“I climb, I slip, I fall, reaching for your hands, but I lay here all alone”
Well yesterday was counseling session # 5. It was actually really good. Well, all the sessions have been good, but this one was not about our relationship. This was about me and my low self esteem.
Daniel brought it up, which was surprising. Daniel had brought up that I bring my work problems home with me and how it makes him feel bad to see me depressed. The counselor asked me what was wrong and I and I explained to him the whole work situation, that being, lack of promotions, lack of motivation and lack of drive. I explained to him how much I hated being there. I know that is awful to say, but I really do. I hate to pull myself of bed to come to my job.
The counselor then asked me what I wanted to do. I told him Art is all I have ever wanted to do. Something in art! He was surprised that I said that with no hesitation. But then he asked why I wasn’t doing anything in art and I told him, because I felt that I wasn’t good enough. He and Daniel both looked at me like I was crazy. The counselor asked if I had been told that. I have never been told that my art wasn’t good. In fact, a lot of people have said that my art is good. I told him that and he asked, then what was the problem. I just told him that I didn’t think I was good enough to get out there and do what I needed to do and compete in that field. I guess that worried him because he then asked me, who has demeaned me to make me feel that way. I told him my family has, in their own little way. My dad is constantly telling me that he wasted his money to send me to art school because I have gotten nothing out of it. When he in turn told me to apply for my current job just to pay bills. He tells me that now that I am with someone, I have to give up on my dreams, because I can’t just pick up and move and/or travel to where I need to be. My mother, I just never felt like I was good enough for her, because all she cares about is herself and has never shown any type of affection towards my dad, my brother, or I. I tried hard not to cry.
Then the counselor told me something that I had known for a long time. He told me to stop using my dad as an excuse as to why I am not doing anything. Why I am not moving up or out. He told me that I have to choose which voice I want to listen to in my life. And I guess since my parents have always controlled what I did and what I said, I listened to that voice for awhile. Now it is time to listen to the other one inside of me. The small one that says I can do whatever I put my mind too. It’s tiny now but maybe one day it will be a roar.
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